morning gruel

every important thing i have to do

This morning I was going through a desk drawer full of old journals and I found my 2008 datebook. It was shoved way to the back. I couldn't remember the last time I had seen it. I certainly couldn't remember the last time I had used it. Every year I buy a datebook thinking that I have many very important events that I need to keep track of. But I always lose interest in the book after making the first few entries. I mean, I just don't need to write these things down. It seems that I always know where I need to be and when without the use of a paper backup.

I suppose it helps that I usually don't plan things more than a couple of days in advance. That way if I make an appointment for Friday at 10am, I know that it's this Friday at 10am. That's easy enough to remember without making a note and referring to it later. BUT why can't I remember something as simple as my nephew's birthday which falls on the same day EVERY SINGLE YEAR? Which kinda makes me think that maybe I do need to use a datebook.

Now I have to ask myself: Would it make a difference if I wrote Coby's birthday in my datebook? Unlikely, because I write so few things in there that I'd probably never look at it anyway. In fact, using my datebook might actually cause me to forget an important event since it would be safe to put it out of my mind because I had written it down. Then I'd shove the datebook to the back of a drawer and forget all about every important thing I have to do.

I opened the datebook and flipped to today's date.

March 28th: Nothing planned. Whew.

strange things

Yesterday I said that the underwater easter egg hunt was the strangest thing that I've done this week.

But that's not entirely true. You see, I've concluded that when you view things objectively, many things seem strange. Maybe the strangest thing that I've done this week isn't fetching golf balls out of the ocean in hope of winning a prize. Maybe the strangest thing is driving a car. I mean, I think driving a car is strange. Not bad strange, just odd. A couple of days ago I was sitting behind the wheel of a car simply amazed by the fact that I knew how to operate it. And operate it well enough that I didn't even have to think about it while I was doing it. How strange is that? Pretty strange, I'd say.

And then there's the telephone. That's right, I think phones are strange too. I'll be talking to Morgaine on the phone and I'll just stop dead because I realize that I am quietly conversing with someone on the other side of town. That kinda freaks me out. And then I usually start laughing at the bizarreness of it all. I feel sorry for anyone who tries to have a serious phone conversation with me.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about modern technology. Not at all. I think it's great how easy technology makes it for me to get through the day. I love how convenient it is for me to take a car somewhere. And yes, I find my cellphone to be pretty much indispensable. All I'm saying is that sometimes I find it all kinda freaky and fascinating.

And strange.

will do a backflip for fish

Strangest thing I've done this week: Underwater Easter Egg Hunt.

That's right, my freediving club held an underwater easter egg hunt yesterday. Of course, you can't just throw a bunch of eggs into the ocean. We used golf balls. So there I was in the ocean, diving for golf balls. Now, it is unlikely that this is your idea of a good time. But I have to tell you, it was a blast.

When I got out of the water holding a handful of golf balls, there were people on the shore looking at me like I was an alien. That's when I realized it: this is strange. So then I asked myself, how did I develop into a person who would think that this is a good idea?

I have to blame it on my grandparents. Growing up, they had a pool that I spent EVERY SINGLE DAY in. When they realized that I liked swimming underwater, they bought rings that I could dive for. They bought hoops that I could swim through. And my entire family would watch as I fetched the rings that they had thrown in.

And now I realize that from young age I was being prepared for life. I was being encouraged to explore my potential and hone my natural abilities. Unfortunately, I have the same abilities as a trained dolphin.

I wonder if there are any openings at Sea World.

pedestrian

Well, I had an A&W audition yesterday. As I had suspected, it was a bit of a cattle-call. But at least it was quick. Because there's nothing worse than auditioning with a hundred other guys and waiting an hour or more to say maybe one line.

Now, there are two main characters in this commercial: Allen, the A&W manager, and Trainee. The two of them have some HILARIOUS misunderstanding that ends in a giant blow-up hamburger inflating itself inside the store and pushing them up against the glass so everyone can see. That's where my part comes in: Pedestrian.

This is how my audition for Pedestrian in the A&W commercial went:

I walked into the room and took my place on a little line of green masking tape. I looked into the camera and said, Hi my name is Craig Warkentin and I'm with John Davies Talent.

Then we moved into the acting part of the audition which the casting director kindly talked me through saying, Okay look at the camera... look to your right... maybe cross your arms... look puzzled... look back to the camera... now maybe a little eyebrow... That's great, thanks!

Yup, great! That's me, Craig Warkentin, eyebrow actor extraodinaire.

please state your name and agent

I've got an audition today.

I get this call last night from my agent: Hey Craig, are you still interested in going out for the odd commercial? Of course I say YES since I don't recall ever giving the impression that I wouldn't be interested.

To tell the truth, I'm actually not at all interested in yet another A&W commercial. But my actor's union membership is up for renewal at the end of the month and it would be nice to be able to justify paying for it. Besides, a gig's a gig from what I can remember.

My agent goes on to tell me that his assistant has left to start up her own roster. I don't hear anything he has to say after this because all I can think is: What if she was the brains behind the agency?

You see, this kind of agency upheaval can have a negative influence on one's career. It's possible that the person who leaves the agency is your greatest champion, the person who thinks of you first, the person who tells casting directors to take a chance on you. So I'm about to go into a full-blown panic over the detrimental effect this can all have on my career when I realize that it doesn't matter because my career can't get any worse.

bad uncle, bad, BAD uncle!

So I called my brother Kevin yesterday.

He travels quite a bit for work and I had some travel-related questions for him. So we spoke for a minute or two and he answered my questions like the well-informed traveler that he is. Well, I couldn't talk long because I was on my way to brunch so I thanked him for his advice and said good-bye. There was a slight pause before Kevin said, Um, that's it?

I answered, Yeah, why?

Well, he said, I thought maybe you were calling to wish my son a happy birthday.

emergency roof comes with handle

Umbrellas suck and here's why:

1) At 6'2" when I use an umbrella, there's a large portion of my body that's not protected so I still get mostly wet. I am really only dry from the shoulders up.

2) I normally carry a backpack, which for some reason never stays dry no matter how I hold my umbrella.

3) I like having both of my hands free. But if it's raining, one of my hands is busy holding the umbrella. And if it's not raining, one of my hands is BUSY HOLDING THE UMBRELLA.

4) Normally when you walk down the sidewalk, you walk on the right. But when you have an open umbrella and someone is walking toward you with no umbrella, you have to move to the left so that they can walk under the available protection of storefront awnings. So using an umbrella upsets the natural order of things and in doing so no umbrella people are given priority.

5) Umbrellas don't make logical sense to me. I mean, it's like carrying around a tiny emergency roof just to keep my head dry in case it rains. But guess what? I can do that with a hood or a hat and still have both of my hands free.

6) When returning home from a walk in the rain, a wet umbrella becomes very inconvenient and awkward. Where do I put It? Should I open it so it will dry? Isn't that bad luck? What to do!

Umbrella or no, it's up to the individual of course. And as much as I dislike them, I will probably continue to carry an umbrella. Why? Because the automatic kind that extends when you hit a button makes for a  great little weapon.

ebola

Vancouver has an abundance of two things: restaurants and artists.

This means that there is plenty of art floating around and plenty of blank restaurant walls on which to hang it. Now, much of the art is, well, crappy. Some of it is great. And some of it is just plain strange. So I'm at a cafe this morning for breakfast. It's one of the places that has extremely inconsistent art: one week it's quite good, the next week it looks like it was made by a blind person with a nervous disorder. Anyway, I'm sitting at a booth and I look at the art hanging over our table.

It's a monkey skull.

Yup, a real monkey skull that has been painted with an artistic interpretation of a virus. The piece is called ebola. What I want to know is: what is it about this work that made the owner of the restaurant say, I'm sure my customers would love to look at this while they eat? Is it the skull? The viral paint job? The title? Frankly, I'm not even sure that this work of art is foodsafe.

Maybe I should call the health inspector. Right after I shower with disinfectant.

the substitute

If you don't already know, Morgaine is a photographer. And she loves her job. One of her favourite parts of her job is showing her clients their photos. She invites her clients over to our home to show them the lovely slideshow that she has put together. This is the first time that clients see their photos and it's such a joy for Morgaine to be able to present this photographic evidence of the wonderful relationship that a couple shares. It's a moment when Morgaine gets to spread some love around. A moment when she essentially holds up a mirror to the couple and says, Look at how beautiful you are.

But last week Morgaine was sick, thanks to me. She had an appointment to show Serena and Simon their engagement photos but they're getting married this weekend so the last thing Morgaine wanted to do was make them sick. Of course she still wanted them to see their engagement photos before their wedding. That's where I came in. Morgaine recruited me to show Serena and Simon the lovely slideshow that she put together. I had absolutely nothing to do with these photos at all -- I had never even met Serena and Simon. But there I was, being gifted with the best and easiest part of Morgaine's job. I felt so privileged to be able to spend a little time sharing the love with this beautiful young couple.

Thank you Morgaine for such a rare opportunity. You really do have a wonderful job.

And wonderful clients too-- they invited me to the wedding.

supernerd wannabe

So I took a Mensa quiz yesterday.

What's Mensa? It's a society created by supernerds so that they can hang out with other supernerds and do supernerdy things like figure out how to launch a satellite into orbit using only cow dung and a can of soda. They're probably also really good at anagrams. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with supernerds. But why do they need their own society? And more importantly, how do I get in?

Well, you have to pass the Mensa test. They have a quiz on their website that's not the official test but it gives you an idea of what type of questions are on the test. Your score then lets you know if it's worth your (and their) time for you to take the official entrance test which is conducted under official supervision.

Now, I am not a stupid guy. I think that I have a brainy, nerdish streak about me; I have my own rules of logic, I was bad at high school sports, I own a bow tie, and I used to wear coke-bottle glasses (until I got laser surgery last year). And although Morgaine says my undergraduate degree is from a slacker program, I did get excellent grades and even did exceptionally well in my science requirement.

So I thought that maybe I was nerdy enough to join the supernerd club. I mean, I'm not so great at math (I once forgot how to do long division) or physics but I'm all over arts and literature. And arts and lit certainly have their fair share of nerds too (Truman Capote for example). Plus I can hold my breath for a really long time which could be viewed as pretty darn nerdy especially when I do it at parties. But I have made it a point to never ever take an IQ test because: a) It reinforces antiquated social hierarchies and b) What if it told me I was stupid?

But the quiz was right there. I couldn't resist the challenge. I couldn't resist the possibility of finding out that I might legitimately be allowed to wear a pocket protector and watch Dr. Who incessantly. And maybe, just maybe, I would finally find a place where I belonged; a place where my sense of humour and robot dance proficiency would be appreciated. So I took their quiz.

I scored 14 out of 30.

I didn't want to join their stupid club anyway.