morning gruel

any questions?

The other day Morgaine asked me if I had any questions about the pregnancy and the imminent arrival of our child. Of course I had questions, but I had so many that I had no clue where to begin. I told her that I had either a million questions or none. So I was going to go with none. I'll just play it by ear, I thought. I could tell that she wasn't too thrilled with my response but honestly, I had no idea where to start. Have you ever Googled 'pregnancy' or gone to the pregnancy/family planning section of a bookstore? I mean, I can't read a thousand books or look at 132 pages of websites. It's overwhelming. And I tend to get overwhelmed easily. So sure I had questions -- I just couldn't even get focused enough to know exactly what they were.

Then Morgaine told me about how our fetus is progressing. Apparently it is now fully developed and if it were born tomorrow, it would have a very high likelihood of healthy survival. My wheels started turning: if it were born tomorrow... that's the day after today... the baby could be born tomorrow... OH MY GOD, THE BABY COULD BE BORN TOMORROW!? This is extremely unlikely of course, but possible.

And I still had no clue what I was doing. I had done very little planning. Frankly, Morgaine has always been the planner. I've always been a bit of a just tell me what to do guy, not so much of a planner. But of course I want to be involved -- I don't want to feel like I have no say or opinion around what's going on. I mean if Morgaine plans everything on her own, why am I even here? I was starting to feel like dead weight. Suddenly the million questions I had seemed a little more important but I still didn't know where to start. We went to a bookstore where Morgaine, GOD BLESS HER, found me a very comprehensive book. I've been reading it and I definitely feel less overwhelmed. And I'm planning more. And sure, I still have questions. But at least now I know what some of those questions are.

one a day

I've been tired lately.

The thing is, I get enough sleep. So I'm starting to think it's psychological -- like some mild form of depression. My behaviour has been lethargic or at best, indifferent. For example: a simple question like what do you want to do tonight? will often only merit an answer like I don't know (said in a most Eeyore-like tone). Let me clear, this melancholic attitude is not my constant state, but it is my often state.

I've gotten used to this aspect of my personality -- but I do not like it. It doesn't feel like me. It feels like I've been replaced by some parasitic alien that looks like me but acts like Leon Redbone. Frankly, it scares me; when others are taking a bite out of life and sucking its marrow, I want to curl up under a blanket and nap. And as nice as naps are, I'm going to have plenty of time for them when I'm old and retired.

I should probably invest in a good multi-vitamin.

now read this

It's true, I don't post everyday. It's not because I don't want to but rather because I have a life. A life beyond this blog, that is. And so sometimes, as much as I want to tell you all about my day, I just don't always have time to write it all down.

But today is Tuesday so I have a legitimate reason for not posting. If you missed it the first time I posted it last year, here is my excuse reason.

box boy

I am a highly skilled professional actor.

I have many (what they call) 'special skills' listed on my resume. These are things that I would be able to do while performing if the role called for it. My special skills include freediving, scuba diving, horseback riding, and driving a car (yup, they think that's a special skill) as well as some less physical skills like speaking German.

When an audition for a role comes along that requires a skill that's not listed on my resume, I'm usually willing to give it a try. Which basically means I lie and say I know how to do whatever it is they need me to do. As a general rule you don't have to perform skills during an audition anyway -- they just take you at your word. So most actors just go out and take a crash course in say, boomerang throwing, if they get the gig.

But at my audition this morning I was thrown a curve-ball. I had no idea that I was going to have to demonstrate a skill during my audition. But I was willing to give it a go. And to tell you the truth, it wasn't very difficult for me to stand in front of the camera and FOLD A BOX. I mean, I had no time to prepare and it's certainly not a special skill that I have listed on my resume but I'm pretty sure I nailed it anyway. But I tell ya, it's a good thing I didn't have to say any lines at the same time -- that probably would have been too much for me to handle.

it's like grad school but it's free

I finally withdrew from grad school.

Of course the main reason why I am postponing grad school is to be a parent. Frankly, I can't think of a better way to learn more and gain more life experience than parenting. Grad school is certainly a distant second. And really, who the heck would rather be in school than at home with their new child?

So I went to the UBC website and dropped my courses. It was the first time that I actually knew what courses I was enrolled in. You see, I had to give the department my course selections in order of importance and they then placed me wherever they saw fit. It was so many months ago that I filled out that registration info that I had forgotten what some of my course selections were. Well, the focus of one of the courses I was registered in was something that I have never studied before: children's literature.

I think I might be learning a thing or two about that anyway.

step one

I am an addict.

There, I've said it. I've never thought of myself as having an 'addictive' personality but I am finally admitting to it. They say admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? Well, I'm addicted to banana loaf. I just can't get enough. In fact, one of the reasons I look forward to going to work is because I'm going to go across the street to Starbucks to get a slice of banana loaf. And to tell you the truth, Starbucks banana loaf isn't even all that great -- proving that quality isn't important to satisfy this addiction. I just need my fix.

J.J. Bean's banana loaf is, on the other hand, fantastic. They have two kinds there -- with chocolate chips and without. And sure they're both good, but why would anyone get the one without chocolate chips when the one with chocolate chips IS RIGHT BESIDE IT?

As you can probably tell, I really am hooked. So how do I manage to not eat banana loaf everyday, you ask? I don't. I EAT IT EVERYDAY. But I don't want to anymore. It just can't be good for me (can it?). Truly, I have tried to curb my addiction. In fact, when I hop across the street from work for a cup of tea, I'll often opt for a slightly more healthy pastry. But a 'low-fat' fruit bar is just not as satisfying as banana loaf especially when THAT'S WHAT I REALLY WANT. So often I'll go back later for a slice, completely defeating the purpose of the 'low-fat' fruit bar unpleasantness.

It's time to put a stop to this addiction. Perhaps a trick that my Dad used to quit smoking cold-turkey might help: Every time he wanted a cigarette, he simply told himself that he had just finished one. I'll try that right now:

I really want a slice of banana loaf.

But I just had one.

Well, I really want ANOTHER one.

island life

I assisted Morgaine at a wedding shoot on Gabriola Island on the weekend.

It wasn't the most convenient place to get to (two ferries, the second one the size of a wind-up toy) but once there I knew I didn't really want to go back to Vancouver that the evening. I thought, If only my cat was already here I wouldn't have to go back at all.

So for the last few days I've been thinking about island life. Morgaine and I agreed that the gulf islands would be a great place to raise a child. So: how could I make it happen? What would I have to do to wake up every morning in a place like that, short of being shipwrecked?

I don't know, but I'll be doing some research to find out.

what i need is a clone

Mel, the finest employee I've ever had (sorry to the rest of you but it's true), has gotten another job. And although she may still be available for the odd shift, it is likely that I will need to hire someone new.

Now, I'm sure there are lots of people who would enjoy working at my store -- it's fun, it's easy. But that's not the point. The point is: MEL IS THE BEST EMPLOYEE EVER. How do I replace an employee that is irreplaceable? I know what you're thinking: She can't be that amazing. Oh, but she can.

For example: Last week I went into work after a few days off in a row. Everything was exactly as I had left it when I was there last. In fact, I had a moment of panic where I thought that perhaps she hadn't shown up for work for the last few days. She had gotten a new job after all. But no, she had been there -- it's just that she had done everything exactly as I would have done it myself. How do you beat that?

I can already imagine the interviews for a new employee:

Me: So will you do everything exactly the same as me?
Them: Ummm, when you say exactly...
Me: Nevermind. Thanks for coming, I'll let you know...

take your pick

The other day I realized that Morgaine is my only family member I've gotten to choose.

I was thinking about my impending fatherhood and how great it's going to be to finally meet this person that's already a part of my life. And while I've chosen to have a child, I didn't get to actually, physically choose this specific child. I mean, I believe that we end up with who we should end up with in our families, but that's on a different level of consciousness.

And sure, on a spiritual or energetic level, I believe that I picked my parents. But not in a going to the pet store kinda way, rather in a karmic kind of way. I mean, I don't think that I was necessarily on some other plane of existence, saw my parents and said, Them. Maybe I did but I don't recall.

Morgaine, on the other hand, I got to choose. I went up to this one specific wonderful person and said, You -- yes, you. And to have been able to make that choice and have it reciprocated is an honour.

I chose well.

do do that voodoo

I was without internet service at my store for four days.

The technician arrived today as planned. However, after dealing with one tech on the phone, I had very little faith that anyone at that company could actually fix anything.

You see, I love how when I call for technical assistance, they have me do all of the things that I've already done, pretending that it's going to make a difference: shut off the computer, unplug the modem, plug it back in... Does it work now? they ask.

OF COURSE NOT, I say. That's when they start to get desperate. Turning the power off didn't work, what do I do now!?, they think to themselves, I'm not trained for this...

So this time, the guy has me unplug the phone cord from the modem, turn the cord around, and plug it back in the opposite way. Did that work?, he asks. Right.

NO, I tell him, your RIDICULOUS INTERNET VOODOO didn't work.

After a few more mind-numbingly pointless procedures, the tech does some wacky manoeuvres of his own, recalibrating and resetting from his end. I know that's not what he's really doing. He's eating a sandwich and reading a magazine, hoping that my internet connection will randomly show some signs of life (which it never does) so that he can quickly hang up and finish his ham sandwich in peace. And when that darn connection still didn't work after all of his brilliant finagling, he says they'll send out a tech who will arrive on Monday (hopefully) sometime between midnight and 11:59pm. Great.

Well, Mel was working at the store today and she tells me that the tech actually did show up as scheduled. And he fixed the internet connection.

The funny thing is, Mel told me, the guy didn't know anything about computers.

Surprise, surprise.